


Kintsukoroi

by EveryDayBella



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Avengers Family, Bucky Barnes Feels, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Captain America: Civil War AU, F/M, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Fic, M/M, Protective Avengers, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Steve Rogers, Secret Relationship, Sorry Not Sorry, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve and Bucky have a kid, adorable dog - Freeform, all the pain and fluff, and no one knows, cannon complaint character death, everyone has feels, more tags added later, not completely AOU compliant, rating may also go up, that would be Ross, tony isn't completely a d-bag, what Civil War should have been, you know the one with the funeral
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-07-22 08:53:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7428253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EveryDayBella/pseuds/EveryDayBella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a lifetime of being turned upside down, inside out, stepped on and pulled apart over and over again, the fates have woven the threads of Steven Grant Rogers and James Buchanan  Barnes together once more.  A second chance with a white  picket fence house in a small town, their beloved son and dog. And then the fates turn on them, forcing them to run with everything they've built at stake.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Home

**Author's Note:**

> so story time, I went to see Civil war for a second several weeks ago and somehow this story came about while I was watching. seriously, my love for kidfic has gotten away from me. Hopefully you will enjoy this however. Leave me comment and let me know? And thank you so much for reading! You guys are seriously the best.

**Chapter One**

**Home**

  
  


Bucky Barnes was good at blending into crowds, not sticking out, walking like a ghost, being invisible. Bucky has also never been more thankful for those skills than waiting in the pick up line at Caterpillars to Butterflies preschool. If he had to face Elizabeth Bakson's flirting one more time, he was going to scream. No matter how times he flashed the gold ring that was on his left hand, she couldn’t take the hint. 

 

_ Married. Happily. Thank you.  _

 

Maybe if Steve would be home more…

 

Bucky shakes his head, chasing the thought away. He’s not going to use the job against Steve. He’s not. He can’t. 

 

There’s a low whine from the boxer sitting at his feet. Bucky reached down to rub behind his ears. “Sorry, Titan. Just a lot on my mind.”

 

Titan had begun his life as Bucky’s therapy dog. These days, he was more of a family dog. Still there were where Bucky needed the extra help. The dog helpfully arched his neck, giving Bucky’s fingers greater access. Bucky focused more on his breathing and counting between each breath until he felt himself relax into the brick wall he was leaning against. 

 

Worrying about Steve wasn’t going to get him anywhere. It had just been a bad week. Make that a bad year. 

 

There’s a clear sound of bell, and then a smiling young woman is unlocking the door and ushering the waiting parents inside. Titan whines again at being left outside, but Bucky gave him a pat and promised to be back soon. 

 

The preschool hallways are painted in soothing pastel colors with big puffy clouds and playing animals. Bucky smiled to himself, reminded again of the good things this century had brought. 

 

He’s barely reached the classroom door when there’s thirty pounds of small, brown haired boy throwing himself against his legs. “Papa, Papa, Papa!” He squeals excitedly, bringing a smile to Bucky’s face. “We did a science experiment.” 

 

“Really?” Bucky asked brightly, lifting the boy inside his arms. “That sounds dangerous.”

 

“It wasn’t!” He exclaimed. “We had to wear goggles and we couldn’t eat it.”

 

Bucky shared a smirk with his teacher and brushed his lips against the boy's cheek. “I’m glad you had a good time. Was he good?”

 

“A perfect angel.” The teacher assured him. “He really is a good kid, Mr. Procter.”

 

“Thanks.” Bucky does not blush no matter what anyone else what might think. “We’ll see you tomorrow. Say bye, Jamie.”

 

“Bye.” Jamie waved from his perch in Bucky’s arms. Bucky stopped long enough to make sure that they had Jamie’s bag and the red dinosaur plushie that the boy goes nowhere without, before heading back to the front doors. 

 

As soon as they’re outside, Jamie is clammering to be let down. As soon as his feet touch the ground, he’s running for Titan and throwing throwing his arms around the dog’s neck. 

 

“Papa, can I hold Titan’s leash?” Jamie asked, as Bucky is untying it from the bike rack. 

 

“Yeah, sure. Just hold on tight.”

 

Jamie beamed and gripped the leash tightly as he followed the dog down the sidewalk. Titan is as tall in shoulders as Jamie is tall to the top of his head. The only reason he got to hold the leash is because Bucky trusted the dog to not try and run away. 

 

Around the corner from the preschool is a quiet little residential district, and Bucky felt himself breathe easier as soon as they reached it. This is what he loved about Braxton, New York. it's small, quiet, and nothing important ever happened here. Even the main strip where the preschool is never that busy. There’s two hours between here and New York City, and the Avengers and all that other nonsense. Bucky doesn’t feel like he has to look over his shoulder all the time or rush to get home. He can contently walk along the sidewalk like a normal person. 

 

Bucky figured there’s a lot worse places he could be. 

 

Up the next block and around the corner is a quaint little gabled house surrounded by large oak trees that hid most of the house from street view. Steve had fallen in love with the place because of the architecture. Bucky had loved the place because it was so hidden from the rest of the  world. 

 

As soon as he had the door unlocked, Jamie was running inside, peering around the corners to the open living room and kitchen hopefully. When he turned back around he looked a little more crestfallen. “Daddy home?”

 

“Nah, buddy.” Bucky said softly, wishing he had a different answer. He’s not the only one who missed Steve when he’s away, even if it's just for the day. “He’s at work. He won’t be home until tonight. You wanna come come watch tv with me?” 

 

Jamie shook his head, deep brown curls bouncing on his forehead. Instead his eyes lit up again and he looks so happy that Bucky won't be sorry about missing cuddle time. Besides, he should be happy that Jamie doesn’t want to watch tv. “Can Titan and I play outside?” 

 

Bucky nodded, and Jamie went tearing out the back door followed closely by what should have been Bucky’s dog. Bucky smiled in amusement as he watched him through the windows that take up most of the backwall. When he and Steve first moved to the house several years before hand, those windows had unnerved Bucky. They were too open, to bright, defenseless, easily broken. For a few moments, Bucky allows himself to marvel at how far he’s been able to come that now he loves those windows because they allowed him to watch his son play in their yard. Bucky shook his head. Against anything he thought he would ever get, it's was a good life. 

 

Forcing himself to stop being such a damn sap, he moved toward the kitchen. Jamie will want a snack when he comes inside. Bucky is honestly surprised that he hasn’t already asked. Absentmindedly, he grabs the remote that Steve left on the counter that morning and flicks on the tv. He’s expecting some cartoon that Steve and Jamie were watching. It's not what he gets. 

 

“By what right does a person like Wanda Maximoff have to go to foreign country and extract justice anyway?” The talking heads voice grates on Bucky’s ears. 

 

“She’s not even an american citizen,” another one snears, like this is somehow the greatest insult he can think off. “Why is she even on the Avengers?”

 

“Because not all the Avengers are Americans, you dick,” Bucky snarled into a jar of peanut butter. He knew he should turn the tv off, that this will only make him mad, but at the same time he bring himself to turn it off either. 

 

“This is once again an example of the reckless endangerment the Avengers have become known for. They came storming in and people got hurt. Again. So much for protecting people.”

 

“Captain Rogers should be ashamed of himself for disgracing the name of America by allowing hooligans like Maximoff and Wilson to run wild like they are currently.”

 

“Maybe Captain America isn’t everything we were always taught to believe. Perhaps, he is finally showing his real colors.

 

Bucky’s grip in the remote was tight enough that the plastic groaned threateningly. He managed to change the channel without breaking anything and braces his hands against the counter. 

 

“Damn it, Steve.” Bucky muttered. It was too easy to imagine Steve turning on the news after he put Jamie back in the bed, just to run himself over the coals some more. All because of that damn Lagos mission, and Brock fucking Rumlow. 

 

If he was being honest, Bucky felt a little reasonable too. 

 

“ _ Brock said your name.”  _ Steve told him after he got home. “ _ And it was like I was a sixteen year old kid realizing I was in love with you all over again. It was all the distraction he needed to start the bomb, and then Wanda, she’d already done so much and she didn’t have much time because I didn’t give it to her.” _

 

The talking heads hadn’t been wrong. People got hurt. The explosion had taken out part of a building.  Final count, there were fourteen dead, most of them part of a Wakandan peace mission. 

 

What the pundits and people didn’t see was the way it tore Steve up inside. He hadn’t slept for more than hour a night since the mission, which even for his system, was bad. Steve blamed himself for not having been faster, for not having done something more to keep people safe. He wore a pretty good mask outside, he had to to keep everyone from Bucky and Jamie, but inside Steve was still sometimes a skinny boy afraid of anyone being disappointed in him. 

 

To top it all off, he got to watch it play out on national twenty-four hour tv. 

 

Bucky didn’t know what to do to help him. He supposed it would just take time. Maybe he could convince Steve it was time for a break. Having him around the house would have be nice at least, and Jamie would get a kick out of it. He’d never had a Steve who wasn’t working .

 

Before Bucky could think of a plan to make this new idea of his happen, Jamie came running back into the room asking for a snack. Bucky sat him on the kitchen chair and they ate ants on a log while they giggled at Jake and the Neverland Pirates. 

 

He almost missed the buzzing of his high security, highly encrypted phone. He could could count one hand the number of people who had that number and if it was dinging at him, then it was important. 

 

_ Are you and Jamie home? -S _

 

Bucky’s eyebrows knitted and he couldn't help making a quick sweep of everything he could see to make sure nothing was immediately wrong. 

 

_ Yes. -B _

 

_ Stay there please. -S _

 

_ Okay. Is something wrong? -B _

 

_ I don’t know yet. We’ll talk when I get home. -S _

 

Bucky tried not to panic. He didn’t do a very good job.

 

* * *

  
  


They were halfway through dinner when the low rumble of a motorcycle reached their ears. Jamie squealed, jumping from his dinner chair to race for the garage door, leaving Bucky to eat dinner with a stuffed red dinosaur. It was named Devil Dinosaur. Jamie was very attached. 

 

The sound of giggling reached his ears, and a moment later, Steve appeared from around the corner with a wiggling Jamie tossed over his shoulder. The boy was red faced but smiling, clearly ecstatic at his capture. Steve had a grin that could have reviled the sun, but only Bucky knew him well enough to see the tightness around his eyes, the guarding in his smile. Bucky tried to smile, but he felt like his nerves shattered the image.

 

Steve gave him a more genuine and worried look, before turning the charm back up for Jamie. “Jamie, you left Papa alone? He could have eaten all the food!”

 

“No, he wouldn’t.” Jamie giggled as Steve plopped him back down in his chair. “Devil Dinosaur was protecting the food.”

 

“Oh, well, thank you good, sir.” Steve winked and dropped a quick kiss on Bucky’s lips before sinking into his own chair. 

 

“You’re home early.” Bucky said in an undertone that’s really a question.

 

In response Steve shrugged. “I figured I deserved it.”

 

They have an unspoken rule, no Avengers business in front of Jamie. Bucky trusted Steve, and if it was a big thing, then Steve would have pulled him to the side. Instead, they’re going through the routine and Bucky went along with it. They played with Jamie, had bath time, and put him to bed. If they agreed to reading  _ Goodnight Moon  _ a few more times than they would normally, then neither of them mention it. 

 

Bucky waited until they were back in the living room, which is normally such a sanctuary for the both of them, before turning his sharp gaze on Steve. “Alright, spill Rogers.”

 

Steve sank into the couch, looking bone tired and more exhausted than Bucky had seen in years. He took the seat next to him, close enough that their thighs are brushing. Titan settles at their feet. The scene felt domestic and homey, like everything Bucky had ever wanted. Steve’s silence, however, spoke to a wrecking ball hanging over their heads. 

 

“Secretary Ross stopped by the facility today. It seems that world is tired of the Avengers, and wants some control back.”

 

Steve went on to outline a plan that sounded so ridiculous, Bucky almost didn’t believe it. The UN was going to create a governing council for the Avengers. The Avengers would only be able to jump when they said so. They wanted to turn the Avengers from an effective fighting force, to their personal lap dogs. To put the icing on the cake, they were only giving them three days to decide whether they would sign what they were calling “The Sokovia Accords” as if that wasn’t a huge slap in the face.

 

“Wait, wait.” Bucky held his hand up, to pause Steve for a moment. “He sat you all down and showed you video clips of your greatests failings? Emotional manipulation much?”

 

Steve gave him a withering look that said  _ Tell me about it.  _ “You should have seen Wanda, Bucky. She’s already struggling with what  happened, and then she got Sokovia, where her brother died, and then Logos shoved down her throat. She held it together, but just barely.”

 

“You said something, didn’t you.” Bucky’s lips curled up in proud smirk.

 

“Of course I fucking said something. I made Ross shut the tape off. I should have done it sooner. A hundred and seventeen countries, Bucky. A hundred and seventeen countries got together and said these people scare uss so we’re going to shut them down. I thought the future was supposed to make things better?”

 

Bucky snorted. “Think I gave up on that hope along time ago, pal.”

 

Steve turned white, just like he always did when Bucky made a reference to his Winter Soldier past. Bucky knew he still blamed himself for not catching him on the train, still woke up to nightmares some nights where he couldn’t break the Soldier’s conditioning on the helicarrier. 

 

One gentle tug on Steve’s arm pulled him down and into Bucky’s chest. Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve, keeping him close on the couch, in their house, in their world. Not in the past, not in the future, just with each other. 

 

“What are you going to do?” Bucky asked, after a moment of letting Steve take comfort in his arms. 

 

“I don’t know yet. We’re gonna talk about it tomorrow, but lines have kinda already been drawn. Tony and Rhodey are all for it. Sam is pissed as hell, and then there's me. I can’t support something like that, not when it so absolute.”

 

“If you don’t sign, what happens?”

 

“Ross says retirement.”

 

Alarm bells went off in his head. “Retirement like no more Cap, or the more permanent kind.”

 

“I got the feeling it was supposed to be a threat.” Steve muttered, triggering every one of Bucky’s protective instincts. 

 

“Over my dead body.”

 

“Not in a million years.” Steve relays calmly, but with steal in his voice. “I won’t let them take you and Jamie away from me.”

 

“Us either pal.”


	2. Go Bags

**Chapter 2**

**Go Bags**

 

Bucky was surprised that he slept at all that night, but after he managed to drag Steve from the couch to their bed, he was out like a light. He doubted Steve slept at all, but he stayed in the bed rather than roaming the house. 

 

He woke at some point in the night by movement. He wasn't surprised when a tiny body pushed its way between him and Steve. Jamie tucked his head underneath Steve’s chin, his dinosaur clutched tightly in his hand. 

 

“Nightmare again, buddy?” Bucky asked, trying to make his voice sound less groggy. 

 

Jamie nodded, looking far too serious for a four year old. Steve dropped a kiss to the top of his head, rubbing a hand up and down the boy's back. “You wanna talk to us about it?”

 

He shook his head, thumb disappearing inside his mouth. Bucky leaned over to kiss his cheek while Steve did the same to the top of his head. Jamie had more nightmares than the normal kid, which considering the events of the last year, was completely understandable. He and Steve had made it clear from the very beginning that he could always come wake them up, even if it was the middle of the night. 

 

Normally, Steve would have gotten up with Jamie. This night however, with everything new hanging over their heads, Steve didn’t seem ready to leave the bed just yet. Bucky fell back asleep with both his boys where he could see him. 

 

When he woke up again, it was still dark and way too early, but there was giggling going on on the other side of the bed. 

 

“But Daddy, he’s hungry.”

 

“Nah-ah.” Steve’s voice was full of a teasing pout. “He’s yours to take care of.”

 

“Daddy.” Jamie growled. “He’s going to eat you.”

 

“He wouldn’t dare.”

 

Jamie growled again, sounding like a kitten when he wants to sound terrifying. Bucky smiled without opening his eyes. Steve laughed at the same time the bed bounced. Bucky cracked an eye open to find Jamie sitting on Steve’s chest while Steve and Devil Dinosaur fought. Apparently, the stuffed animal had been the one who’s hungry and Steve was unwilling to comply. 

 

“I’ll save you, Stevie!” Bucky exclaimed, springing up to his knees and grabbing Jamie around the middle.The boy squealed, laughing his heart out. Steve was laughing too as Bucky fell back into the softness of the bed. Jamie sat up on his chest, reaching eagerly for his dinosaur, which was not surprising. Jamie was usually a little more clingy after a bad night. He was happy right then, which was more than Bucky could ask for. 

 

“What time is it?” Bucky finally asked, rubbing his eyes and trying to clear away the last traces of sleep. 

 

“Five twenty.” Steve answered with a backward glance at the alarm clock. 

 

“Shouldn’t you be on your way to work?” 

 

Steve’s face darkened silently, and Bucky regretted bring it up. For a moment, their room had felt like a safe space and Bucky didn’t want to bring the outside world’s junk into it. Steve leaned over to brush his lips gently against Bucky’s, part apology and part love. “I can be late. It won’t be the end of the world. I think I’m going make breakfast. Join me?” 

 

Jamie ended up on the couch watching a cartoon, which is what he and Steve normally did after nightmares, while Bucky and Steve headed to the kitchen. As they worked, they didn’t talk. Bucky was afraid that if he said anything it would just bring up the thing they were trying not to think about. 

 

Finally, Bucky growled. He was tired of walking on eggshells and shying away from the truth. He and Steve will always be fighters. They didn’t ignore things just because they didn’t want to deal with them. Burying their heads in the sand was going to get them nowhere.

 

“If they find out about us,” Bucky started in an undertone so that Jamie couldn’t hear them. ”Would they make you arrest us?”

 

Steve stiffened. “They would, but I wouldn’t. There would be no way in hell that I would hand you over to them or anyone else.”

 

“Yeah, but I’m still _ technically  _ a wanted man.” This conversation felt surreal to Bucky. It wasn’t the kind of conversation you had in quaint little houses that are protected by trees and hidden away from the world. It wasn’t the kind of conversation you had in the kitchen where you make dinner with your kid, next to the living room that just a few months ago held a christmas tree and tons of presents. 

 

Bucky let himself feel the anger that he’d been shutting out since the night before. He was furious that the government was treating Steve like some kind of wild animal when all he’d ever done was jump when they called. He was mad that yesterday morning he woke up and everything was normal, but this morning the hardwood he was standing on was unstable. He was mad that someone he couldn’t fight was trying to take his home and security away from him. He was pissed that Steve wasn’t able to sleep the night before, and that his son woke up with a nightmare of the hell he’s already been through.

 

Bucky let himself feel it because he was human and it allowed him to feel what he needed to feel. 

 

“Hey.” Steve said softly, pulling the kitchen knife from his hand just as a precaution. As a replacement, Steve traps his fingers between Bucky’s while simultaneously pulling him closer until they were chest to chest. “I’m not going to let anything happen to you, okay? If signing the Accords means keeping you and Jamie safe, then I’ll do it and I won’t regret it because you’re more important to me. I may not like it, but maybe Nat is right and that we stay together is more important than how.”

 

“Natalia said that?” Bucky snorts, remembering a fiery redhead who used to love bucking the trends just because she could. “That’s bullshit and you know it.”

 

“Yeah.” Steve agrees with a dry laugh. “I’d still do it.”

 

“Don’t. You’d be miserable, and I love you’re dumb ass too much for that.” That earned him a pinch on his ass and a giggle. Bucky grinned, the laughter making up for their tense silence. “We’ll figure this out. It’s probably not the worst we’ve ever been through.”

 

Steve hummed. “Never with him though.”

 

They can’t see Jamie over the couch, but they can hear him helping Dora count. Occasionally, the dino will make an appearance as Jamie flung him around. Steve is right. There’s a little more at stake now than there used to be. 

 

Bucky had ideas. Of course he did. He had plans on top of plans, but he’s certain Steve wasn’t ready to hear them. He needed to get through the day first.

 

It only took a little movement to find Steve’s lips and get him right where he wanted him. The anger is still lurking around somewhere, and Steve is still stressed and worried, but for a split second it's just them and the kitchen counter Bucky has Steve pressed against.

 

“Daddy, I think something is burning.”

 

“Shit.” They broke apart giggling, their noses assaulted by the pungent smile of burning egg and bread. Steve pulled the pan off the stove where a truly black piece of french toast resided. 

 

“Damn, Rogers, burn the house down.”

 

“Shut it, Barnes.”

 

Yeah, they would be okay.

 

* * *

 

After breakfast was cleaned, Steve couldn’t put it off any longer. He squeezed Jamie a little tighter, kissed Bucky a little more fiercely than he would have normally, and then got on his motorcycle and sped off. Bucky once again allowed himself a moment of panic before taking a deep breath and letting it go. Steve could take care of himself and nothing was going to happen in the hours between now and when he got home. It was going to be okay. 

 

They had decided to keep to their routine as if nothing was going on for Jamie’s sake. He’d only just started settling in and neither parent wanted to break that up for nothing. So, Bucky and Titon walked Jamie to school at the appropriate time. Leavin Jamie was harder than Steve leaving. Jamie was so young and small for his age. If Bucky hadn’t been certain they weren’t followed, he might not have left. Jamie gave a breezy goodbye, a kiss to his cheek and hug around his neck before running off into the classroom. Bucky, for his part, wanted to give him this little bit of normality and so he walked slowly home with Titon. 

 

Once there, the silent, empty house got the better of him and his paranoia. He still wasn’t convinced the Accord’s would come after them somehow, and besides which, Steve had already been threatened once. As much as Bucky didn’t want to admit it, they might have to leave Braxton, New York, and they might have to do in a hurry. The last thing he wanted to happen was for them to be caught unawares. 

 

He pulled one of their sturdy backpacks from their hiking supplies and set it on the kitchen table. He determinately didn’t think about how he had just eaten breakfast there that morning. Bucky then set about filling it. It had been a little while since he felt the need to have a go bag ready, but he hadn’t forgotten how to make one. One of the spare handguns went in along with plenty of ammo. There’s protien bars in the cabinet, a first aid kit, and other list survival bits a bobs. He and Steve are old fashioned enough to keep most of their money under the mattress, so some of that goes in as well. As an afterthought, Bucky goes to Jamie’s room and grabs a few of the toys and a small blanket that he knows is loved, but won’t be missed right away. 

 

Even after he’s picked up Jamie from school, the bag sits on the kitchen table like an eye sore. Bucky does his best to ignore it completely. 

 

That didn’t work until the phone rings again. Considering what happened the day before, he doesn’t want to answer the phone, but answer he does. 

 

Turned out he was right to be worried.

 

* * *

 

Sam drove slower than Steve did so it was two, restless, painful hours while he waited for Steve to get home. It was dark outside by the time he saw lights pull in the driveway. As soon as he’s sure that it's Sam’s car and that it stopped, he opened the front door. Jamie raced out from between his legs, throwing himself against his Daddy before squealing with excitement and claiming “Uncle Sam” all for himself. 

 

Any other time, Bucky would have given Sam the shit he deserved, but for moment, his entire focus has narrowed down to the hunched form of his husband’s shoulders as he leaned against the hood of Sam’s car. Bucky took the place next to him. They were just outside the halo of light cast by the porchlight, but Bucky didn’t need it to see the tear tracks across Steve’s face. 

 

“Talk to me, punk.” 

 

Steve choked out a laugh which ended in a sob. “I didn’t think it would hurt so much.”

 

“You loved her. We both did.” Of course it hurt. Bucky had been quietly hurting since Steve had called him on the verge of tears to tell him that Peggy had passed away. It was a terrible, awful thing that hurt like hell. The three of them may have been seventy years in the past, but there would always be a part of him and Steve that loved her. “That never went away, Steve, and I wouldn’t have wanted it to.”

 

Steve shook his head, still curled in on himself. Bucky’s heart breaks that even here, Steve can’t let himself go and just feel without worrying what it looked like or who saw. 

 

“Hey, come here.” All it took was a gentle tug on his jacket sleeve and Steve was crumpling into him. He’d barely tucked his face into Bucky’s neck before the sobbing started. Bucky did the best thing he could think to do, which was hold him close, tight, and share in the weeping.

 

Bucky doesn’t say anything until they’ve had a chance to get it all off their chests. “Did I ever tell you that she was the one who told me to come back to you?”

 

Steve nods without picking up his head. His fingers curl a little tighter into to Bucky’s shirt and Bucky soothes him with metal fingers moving through his short blond hair. “Tell me again?”

 

“I remembered you first, and then I remembered her.” Bucky smiles into the darkness as he lets the memories, good and the bittersweet wash over him and Steve. “I remembered the two of us, and then I remembered how it became the three of us. Between that and all the blood and horror I, also remembered I was very confused for a while. I didn’t understand how anyone as good and pure as you and Peggy could have loved me even back then and especially not now. Then I started realizing how lonely I was and what loneliness even meant.

 

“I went to her not even expecting her recognize me. It was the middle of the night. She wasn’t even supposed to be awake. I just wanted to be with someone, another human being, just for a second. God, she was as beautiful I remembered, just older, but still so Peggy. I remembered how she used to yell at us for doing something reckless on a mission, or that one time I managed to make her blush. I remembered how she used to make you smile, how she was the only dame I’d ever thought was worthy of you. I remembered enjoying what all of us had, but also knowing that I was going to have to let both you go one day and dreading how much that was going to hurt. 

 

“I’m standing there in her nursing room, feeling more than I had felt in decades, damn close to tears, and suddenly she opens her eyes and looks right at me like the last time we saw each other was yesterday and not seven decades ago. She demands to know why I’m so late, and for just a second, I feel like I’m still twenty four and young and foolish when I apologize for keeping her waiting.”

 

He and Peggy had talked for what felt like hours. She had apologized for not figuring out what Zolo had been doing. Bucky assured her it wasn’t her fault. He’d listened while she told him all about the family she had built for herself, and Bucky had been so proud. She’d done good in a world that hadn’t wanted her. 

 

“Then she turns those sharp eyes on me and demands to know why I’ve kept you waiting. She laid into me Stevie. I was just scared of her in that moment as I had been during the war.” He pauses to let him and Steve share a laugh as both their hearts break. “She was so mad at me. You’d have thought I insulted her family or something. Maybe I did. She told me that you were sad and to tired to hide it from everything. She said that she would never forgive me if I didn’t find you. I couldn’t have that, so I came home, all because I still love her.”

 

“She was so happy when I told her about Jamie.” Steve mutters without picking up his head from Bucky’s shoulder. “I don’t think she remembered it for long but she said we deserved a family, and then she started crying and I asked her why. She said that it hurt that the three of us missed our chance to have a family.”

 

Bucky turns to kiss Steve, letting the hurt bleed out into their kiss. It’s painful, loving someone, but separated by time. He’d loved Peggy differently than he had loved Steve, but it had been love all the same. There were days when Bucky missed her terribly and he had to imagine that was going to get worse. Their soft, chaste kiss was enough to remind the both of them that they weren’t alone in this. 

 

It was good enough for now.

 

They broke apart slowly and reluctantly. Steve rubs at his face to chase away tear tracks, finding a small smile to put in their place. “I love you.”  

 

“Love you, too.” Bucky’s metal hand on the back of Steve's neck pulls him in for one last kiss before releasing him. “You ready for this?”

 

Steve takes a deep breath and slips his hand inside Bucky’s before pushing up from car. “Yeah. You, Sam, and I need to talk and plan.”

 

* * *

 

They don’t get to that right away. Steve wants some time to play with Jamie, so it isn’t until Jamie is tucked into bed and fast asleep that the three men gather around the kitchen table. Sam eyes the backpack with a sceptical eye.

 

“A go bag?” he asks. “Is there something I need to know about?”

 

“Other than the fact that I don’t trust anyone at the moment? No. What happened today before you left?”

 

“Let’s see, signing are Tony, Rhodey, Natasha, and likely Vision.” Sam scowls, clearly upset. “Wanda is still undecided last time I talked to her, but she’s also still pretty shaken up by Logos. Bruce and Thor are both MIA. Has anyone talked to Clint?”

 

Steve shakes his head. “I’ve been trying to get a hold of him, but he’s still in deep cover. If Nat has talked to him, then she isn’t saying anything.”

 

“Than that just leaves Steve and I to face retirement.” Sam rolls his eyes as the last word leaves his lips.

 

“You don’t think it's going to end at retirement either, do you?” Bucky acknowledges, hating that he’s not alone with his worst fear. That would mean it's not simple paranoia.

 

“Hell no. Ross has us exactly where he wants us. What’s to stop him once the others have signed from going? That doesn’t stop anyone else from having powers, so we’ll have to force them to get with the program or else lock them up’ or something worse.”

 

“Agreed, and you know how much I hate saying that, Bird Brain.” Sam cracks a smile at the insult, and Bucky feels marginally better slipping into their normal teasing rolls. “How long do you think, before they come after you and Steve?”

 

“Not long, especially with so many of the other Avengers siding with them. We’re not gonna get out of this just by ignoring it. Not to mention, I don’t think I’m ready to let go of the wings yet.”

 

Steve and Bucky share a long look, the intense kind where they can have whole conversations without saying a word. Peggy used to get so annoyed with them when they did that. Finally, Steve turns back to Sam. “We need to go to ground.”

 

“Yep. See how this goes down and make plans from there. There is one problem though, and it starts with a J.”

 

“Damn it.” Bucky mutters a little more harshly than he means too. “He was just starting to get comfortable here. Don’t you dare say you’re sorry Rogers.”

 

Steve’s smiles sadly, but manages to not apologize before reaching across the table to take Bucky’s hand and squeeze, hard. “I want to go to Peggy’s funeral. It’s the same day as the signing.”

 

“That should be fine, but I can’t go with you. It’s too public.” Bucky sighs and can’t decide if he;s angry or just worn out. “And we certainly can’t bring Jamie there.”

 

“I’ll go with Steve. Nah, man.” Sam chuckles and waves Steve off before the blond can fully open his mouth. “You’re not doing that alone, and if Bucky can’t go with you, then I am. End of story.”

 

“Thank you.” Steve’s cheeks are pink with embarrassment which neither Sam nor Bucky apology for. “What about you and Jamie?”

 

“We’ll go somewhere and wait for you.” Bucky answers, already cycling through options in eastern europe. “Then we can lay low for a while and plan our next move.”

 

“We just got Jamie settled.”

 

“He’ll be alright.” Sam offers. “As long as he’s got the two of you, he’ll be alright.”

 

“I could still go to the signing and prevent all this.”

 

“Steve, no.” Bucky growls, now thoroughly annoyed. The blond duffus had no idea. “You are not going to go back on your principles just for us. It’s not happening. We’ll get through this one way or another. Yeah, this house is nice, but you’re more important to us.”

 

Steve doesn’t have anything to say in the face of Bucky’s convection. He just smiles back and squeezes his hand tighter. 

 


	3. Goodbyes

**Chapter 3**

**Goodbyes**

 

The morning came far too early, even though neither of them slept. Steve takes the bags they’ve spent the night packing to the car in the grey light of dawn. When he comes back inside, Bucky is kneeling on the floor, affectionately rubbing behind Titan’s ears. The dog's tongue is lolling out his mouth, angling his head into Bucky’s hand. Bucky is finally showing some of the hurt that he’s feeling. Titan had been his constant companion for years now. If he had a best friend outside out of Steve, it was Titon. 

 

“I’m sorry.” Steve offers, leaning against the counter, watching as the boxer nuzzles against Bucky’s neck. Titan is picking up on Bucky anxiety and trying to help. The pain that had dulled over the intervening hours, now comes back full force. The uncertainty in Steve’s life is ripping the stability out of Bucky’s. It isn’t fair and Steve didn’t have anyone to punch to fix it.

 

“It's not your fault Steve. We always knew this was a possibility.” Bucky hugs the dog, tucking his face in his soft fur for a moment before pulling away. Steve notices that Bucky’s grey eyes are suspiciously wet. “Should we wake up Jamie and let him say good bye?”

 

“He’s not gonna understand.” Steve says sadly. What they’re about to do to Jamie is the worst of everything. Uprooting him again is about the worst thing he can think of doing. “Maybe it’ll be better if he doesn’t know?”

 

“Yeah.” Bucky doesn’t sound confident, but reaches for the leash anyway. “Come here, boy.”

 

“Do want me to come with you?” 

 

Bucky shakes his head, brave face on. “I’ll just be a minute.”

 

The door clicking shut seems to ring in his ears in the silent house. Their home is far from empty, but it still feels odd. They spent the night packing for their trips and when that was done, they took care of their house. All the personal stuff was taken down. All the pictures of the three of them, all of Steve’s artwork, and Bucky’s notebooks. They’d gathered up all of crafts and things Jamie had made in preschool. Little nicknack and things of sentimental value had been packed away into the heavy duty safe they kept hidden under the floorboard beneath their bed. They hadn’t talked about whether they would be able to come back for their things or not. 

 

One of those things is Bucky’s dog. Titan had gotten Bucky through a lot of hard times, especially the first two or three years after he came back. The two were nearly inseparable. Steve used to complain about the boxer sleeping in their bed. He would take back every complaint if it meant that Bucky wouldn’t be across the street giving Titan to the neighbors. 

 

For half a second, Steve almost changed his flight from London to Vienna. Then the rational part of his brain takes over and reminds him that this would only be postponed. At one point or another, they would have been here anyway as soon as anyone found out about Bucky. Perhaps they had just gotten complacent. 

 

Bucky is clearly trying to hold it together by the time he makes it through the door. There’s a familiar twist in Steve’s gut at seeing Bucky in such clear pain. Steve wants to comfort him, but he can also see how closed off he is and knows he won’t be welcome. 

 

Steve opens his mouth and then shuts it, unsure of what to say. 

 

“I swear to god, Rogers,” Bucky starts, his voice rough. “You apologize, and I’ll kick your ass.” 

 

Steve barks out a startled laugh. “Noted. They took him?”

 

“Yeah.” Steve watches as Bucky composes himself. “They were a little confused, I think, but Damen and Laurent are good kids. They’ll take care of him.”

 

“I know you don’t want to hear it, but I am sorry.”

 

“It's not your fault, Steve.” Bucky gave him a sweet smile, the kind that always made Steve’s knees feel like jelly. “Besides it was just a dog.”

 

Steve takes the chance and walks closer until he can slide his fingers along Bucky’s jaw and cheek. He can feel the rough edges of Bucky’s unshaven stubble, feel the warmth of his skin as he tries to categorize all the information away. The plan is not to be gone for long, but that doesn’t always mean anything, not with them anyway. “It was your dog, and he’s been at your side for a long time. That means something.” 

 

Bucky closes his eyes and turns his face into Steve’s palm. They stand there for a moment, in the ruins of their home, breathing each other in and letting their souls reknit. 

 

Steve is just starting to wonder if he has time to drag Bucky to their bed one last time when Bucky is pulling away, determination filling his face. “We need to get going. Or do you want Sam giving us shit for being slow?”

 

“He wouldn’t dare, we’re in mourning.” Steve chuckles and brushes one quick kiss to Bucky’s lips. “You go start the truck, I’ll get Jamie.”

 

By some miracle, Jamie slept through the night and is still asleep when Steve creeps through his doorway. His room is the least touched, although they had both been in out of there through the night. It's scattered with toys, with the exception of the few Bucky had taken and packed into his bag. It seemed like the room is waiting for a wake up a call, to get ready for breakfast. A normal day that’s never going to come. 

 

Jamie whines a little as Steve gently scoops him up from his bed. The boy settles quickly enough against Steve’s shoulder, tucking his head against Steve’s neck. Steve takes a moment to make sure they’ve gotten everything they need from his room. Devil Dinosaur is clutched tightly in Jamie’s hand and he’s still wrapped up in his favorite blanket. With one last wistful look around the brightly appointed room, Steve leaves it all behind him. 

 

When Steve is strapping him into the car seat in Bucky’s truck, Jamie whines again. This time he wakes up a little more since he is unable to burrow back into Steve’s chest. Snapping the last strap into place, Steve moves to press a quick kiss into Jamie’s soft brown hair, trying to sooth him back into unconsciousness. “Go back to sleep, little one. We’re just gonna go one a little trip, okay?”

 

“Papa?” Jamie asks, blinking his hazel eyes slowly. There’s the beginnings of a quiver on his lips, like waterworks are on the way. Steve’s can sympathize. No one likes being woken by being put in a car.

 

“I’m up here.” Bucky reaches back with his real hand letting Jamie clutch his fingers tightly for a moment before pulling back. “You gonna be okay, Little Mouse?”

 

Jamie nods and his eyes close again. Steve tucks the blanket back around him, presses one more kiss to his soft forehead and shuts the door. Steve climbs in the passenger side, ignoring the overwhelming feeling in his gut as he straps the seat belt.

 

The thing is that Steve loved living here. When Bucky had first come home, everything had been rough and chaotic as Bucky tried to work through all the trauma and triggers left his mind. Since Steve refused to leave him, that meant that Steve had gone through it all too. For the first year it was the constant up and downs of rebuilding Bucky’s mind. Then things grew more stable, Bucky got Titan, and Steve and Bucky fell back into the same relationship they always had, together to the end of the line. 

 

Bucky had been back for almost two years when Bucky presented Steve with a ring. It wasn’t anything fancy and neither was the ceremony. The only thing that mattered was that they were now officially, legally married. It didn’t matter that the only  person who celebrated with them was Sam, or that through a piece of Skye’s technical wizardry, no one would ever know. It just mattered that Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes where Mr. and Mr. Barnes-Rogers.

 

Then they had decided they wanted—deserved—a life and they found the house. Steve hadn’t given up the Avengers, and Bucky never asked him to. Steve is beyond thankful for that, always would be, getting to come home to a real home and Bucky and their house had been wonderful. Then Jamie had come along and everything was complete. Steve had been happy, his boys had been safe and happy. He couldn’t have asked for anything better. 

 

Now, here they were having to flee said home because someone called him a vigilante and reckless. Steve hates that they’re running, but also knows that he wouldn’t risk Bucky and Jamie to whatever is coming. All the same, he can’t fight off the wave of sadness to know that they’re  leaving everything behind.

 

“Hey.” Bucky’s fingers ran over his own, tangling around and providing a anchor down to the real world. “You okay, baby doll?”

 

Steve pauses, truly trying to consider whether he was okay or not. “To the end of the line, right?”

 

Bucky smiles and it hurts. “Yeah. Always.”

 

The drive is quiet for a little while as they pull out of town. Bucky doesn’t drive as fast as Steve, but he’s still faster than most people, so they’re already halfway to the city before Jamie is fully waking up. Steve once again answers his confusion by explaining that they’re going on a trip. The boy seems to be a little sad about missing school, but and he’s soon wanting to know where they’re going and what's for breakfast. Steve promises food when they get to the airport and a promise of getting to see Uncle Sam is enough to keep him distracted from the hows and the whys for a little while. 

 

Just as the New York City skyline is coming into view, Bucky reaches for his hand again. His flesh fingers wrap tightly around his own, tension threading through him in an instant. “You gonna be okay?” Steve asks, turning in his seat to face Bucky. 

 

Bucky shrugs, not taking his eyes of the road. “This is risky.”

 

It's not like Steve can disagree with him. He, Bucky, and Sam had debated the necessity of this for a while last night. The fact is that Bucky and Jamie need to get out the country and fast. That necessitated  the commercial flight for at least the first part of their journey. As for Steve, they wanted it to be known that he was in London. All of this added up JFK International Airport. 

 

The problem is that Bucky hates crowds. For one, there’s a much larger chance that they would be spotted. That spiked his anxiety, made him edgy, and more likely to spiral into a panic attack. They’re a reason they had moved so far out of the city and it isn’t just safety. 

 

“We’ll be fine.” Steve assures him. “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but we’ve done this before. We know how to deal with airports and staying under the radar. You know Europe like you were born there. You and Jamie will be fine, and I’ll be with you in a couple of days.”

 

“Yeah.” Bucky takes a deep breath, flexing his gloved metal hand on the steering wheel, but doing nothing to release Steve with the other. “Yeah, of course we will. Doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

 

“Trust me, I don’t either.”

 

Tension continues to thrum through him as they hit traffic. In the back seat, Jamie excitedly mentions all the buildings, the cars that they pass by, and the people he sees. Steve and Bucky both fall into their roles as parents responding to his excited exclamations. For Steve at least, it’s a small moment of escape. 

 

Bucky finds a parking spot in one of the long term parking garages and while he goes to get their bags out of the back, Steve moves to take care of Jamie. To his relief, Jamie is too excited to think it odd to be changing out of his PJs in the truck. After he makes sure that Jamie still has Devil, he stuffs the blanket into the small bag they had made for him. He’s wiggling with excitement as Steve helps him into the backpacks straps and lifts him from the truck to the concrete. 

 

Jamie’s eyes widen again when he sees the bags Bucky pulled out of the truck bed. “Wow! That’s a lot of stuff!” He exclaims.

 

The sad thing is, Steve reflects, is that it's not. The biggest is easily the case his shield is hidden inside of. Bucky just has two backpacks, Steve a suitcase and a backpack. The suitcase is more for show than anything and will be left behind in London. Everything they have is currently boiled down to these handful of bags. It may seem like a lot to a four year old, but to Steve it's not much at all. 

 

“It's a trip, remember?” Bucky smiles for Jamie, like this is a normal vacation. “You didn’t expect us to leave with nothing, did you?”

 

“My friend Jaxon at school went to Disney World with his family. Could we go to Disney World?”

 

Steve wants to cry, but he holds it together. “Not this time.” He chokes out while slinging the shield case and all on to his back. “Someday, okay? I promise.”

 

Jamie pouts a little, doesn’t seem to upset as they head to the airport proper. 

 

Inside it's as bustling with spring travel as Steve expects. He keeps a close eye on Bucky just make sure the other man is okay. Jamie’s babbling seems to be a distraction at least. 

 

At the ticket and security lines is the first time they split up. Bucky needs to go through regularly, but the shield is hard thing to disguise. He brushes a firm kiss to Bucky’s temple and forces himself to move away before anyone can recognize them. They’re in civis with baseball hats to obscure their faces, but they’re not taking chances. 

 

Sam is waiting for him and when they tell the ticket clerk that yes, he really is Steve Rogers and yes, Captain America’s shield is in this bag, they’re whisked away from the public and into an area reserved for VIPs. Steve still struggles to see himself as anyone special, but for this one time, he goes with the flow. It’ll get them through security faster and back to Bucky and Jamie sooner. 

 

The TSA agents they deal with are all polite and respectful, some even a little starstruck. What Steve isn’t used to is the darker looks on one or two faces. There’s plenty of the basic “thank you for your service” or “could you sign something for me?” That he’s come to expect from this century. But there’s also sly looks out of the corner of his eye or upturned noses. Steve shoves thoughts of Ross and the Accords to the back of his mind and ignores the looks. They don’t matter in the slightest. 

 

Steve’s hands over the shield, almost relieved to be rid of its weight, and Sam hands over his wings and Redwing. They tell them that can wait in the VIP lounge for their flight, but Sam laughs. “Nah, you know him. Man of the people and all that.”

 

It gets a laugh, and Steve blushes, but it gives them an excuse to leave the lounge and head back out in the airport proper. 

 

Steve and Sam keep their heads down as they once again move through the airport. Steve tried not to move too fast, to keep calm and collected and not run like he wants to. The last thing he wants is be seen as odd in a place with as high security as this.

 

Fortunately, he already knows where to meet Bucky at. They had decided that the night before while Bucky had been studying the airport layout like a hawk. 

 

“So, did you guys sleep at all last night? Or is that not a necessity anymore?” Steve can hear the edge of a tease alongside Sam’s genuine worry.

 

“That’s a no, but we’ll be okay for a little while. On the other hand, Jamie slept through the night so that’s not bad.”

 

“How is he?” 

 

Steve shrugs, eying the other scurrying passengers around them like either one of them could be a government agent there to stop him from seeing his family to safety. He isn’t even sure what he’s afraid of. He hasn’t done anything wrong yet. 

 

“He’s alright right now, but I don’t know how he’s going to react when he finds out I’m not going with him and Bucky. How were things at the facility?” 

 

“Tense.” Sam answers. “Wanda’s keeping to herself for the most part. She says good luck. Don’t ask me how she knows you’re planning something.”

 

“She does her best to stay out of people's mind, but she can’t help everything.” Sam didn’t know it, but Wanda knew about Jamie for that reason. She’d seen enough flashed to know Steve is hiding something. It turned out alright. Wanda helped keep Vision off his back. At the same time, he hopes that she has someone to help her turn off the tv and remind her that this isn’t her fault. Wanda is a good kid, even if she had been a little misguided in the beginning. But really, who of them hadn’t.

 

Sam hums in reply. “Nat evidently got in contact with Clint last night.”

 

“What did he say?” Steve sighs, preparing for bad news. He can’t imagine the maverick archer would be okay with this crap, but then he wouldn’t have thought that Nat would be either.

 

“She wouldn’t say, but according to FRIDAY, she spent most of the night hitting a punching bag.”

 

“That doesn’t mean anything, Sam.”

 

“Not anything definite.” Sam shrugs, the beginnings of a smug smile on his face. “But I bet you a hundred bucks a certain Clint Barton isn’t in Vienna.”

 

_ “Not that it matters in the end.”  _ Steve thinks to himself. He’s as good as done. He can’t sign something that is so absolute and questionable. Something that will put him and the rest of the Avengers squarely under the thumb of someone with an agenda. Steve hopes that Tony can make it work, he really does, but he can’t work like that. Add in the added risk to Bucky and Jamie and Steve knows he won’t be coming back. 

 

Steve is done with Captain America, or he will be after Peggy’s funeral.

 

Before he can dwell on that for too long, they come along the McDonalds that he and Bucky agreed to meet at. After a quick look, Steve can feel his racing heart calm when he spots the pair sitting at a table close to a large window that looks out over the tarmac. It takes all of Steve’s restraint to approach them slowly and not run to them. Jamie greets him a sticky smile, peeling his attention from the windows. “Daddy, look! Planes!” 

 

“Yeah.” Steve sits across from him and closer to Bucky than he probably needs to. He can’t bring himself to care. Separation is already beginning to haunt his system. “You ready to fly one again?”

 

Jamie nods, his attention once again on his pancakes. Steve can’t blame him. His last plane ride with Bucky really wasn’t long ago.

 

“Everything else okay?” Steve asks of Bucky, taking note of the other man's relaxed posture. 

 

Bucky nods, still a little tight around his lips. Steve can’t help himself from leaning across to kiss him quickly. Bucky returns it, but pulls away sooner than Steve would like.

 

“That’s gonna draw attention, Steve.”

 

The blond rolls his eyes, but doesn’t move away sooner than he should. He’s got several days without Bucky ahead of him, so he’s going to take what he can he get. “Kissling my husband in public isn’t a crime anymore, Buck.”

 

“Still draws a lot of attention.”

 

Yeah.” Steve agrees saddly.

 

“Are they this dopey with you all the time, kid?”

 

Jamie giggles, even though he doesn’t understand his uncles joke. Bucky glares flatly at Sam’s grinning face. “Can I help you, Birdman?”

 

Sam keeps grinning into Bucky’s unimpressed face. “I’m just saying, Jamie only ever sees you guys being cute and domestic. It’s not good for him.”

 

“How long has it been, Sam?” Bucky remains stone faced. “I know you hit on Steve when you met him, but he’s oblivious. Has there been anyone else?”

 

Sam drops the grin, easing into a flat glare. “That’s none of your business.”

 

Steve struggles to hide his amusement. If he lets on how much he enjoys watching them snipe at each other, then they will never stop. It was tense between these two for so long. Sam had only helped find Bucky because Steve was searching. To be all that honest, Sam hadn’t liked Bucky any more than Bucky had liked himself at the time. Much later, Bucky had admitted to Steve that he had been a little jealous. These days they had settled into a playful banter, they also knew they would have each others backs if they needed too. 

 

If Steve found them amusing then they never needed to know. 

 

The three of them sat in the airport while Jamie ate his breakfast and neither of them willing to bring up what is about to happen. Steve sits close to Bucky, hangs on every word Jamie gives him, and definitely ignores the departures board as their flight gets closer. 

 

Finally, it can’t be put off any longer. “All right, time to get you cleaned up, Little Mouse.” Bucky reaches with a wet wipe for Jamie’s face. The boy grimaces through and then seems happy enough to let Steve pick him up and into his arms. They’re silent walking to the gate, Steve holding Jamie close to his chest. He’s fighting off the growing hysteria of sending him and Bucky into the unknown alone. 

 

Bucky turns to face Steve when they reach the gate, the overhead display telling them boarding will be ready in a few minutes. Bucky smiles, which doesn’t reach his eyes and says, “I’d tell you to stay out trouble, but I don’t think it would do much good.” 

 

Steve grins. “Taking all the stupid with you.”

 

Bucky’s eyes widen in playful shock and he turns to Jamie. “Did you hear what he accused us of? He called us stupid!”

 

“That’s not nice, Daddy.” Steve got the full force of Jamie’s unimpressed glare. 

 

“I’m sorry.” Steve apologize, planting a kiss on Jamie’s check which makes the boy giggle. “You be good for Papa, okay?”

 

“You’re not coming with us?” Jamie’s hazel eyes widen in surprise. He looks so completely devastated that Steve’s heart breaks. 

 

“Not yet.” Steve admits sadly. “You and Papa are gonna go ahead without me, and then I’ll see you in a couple days.”

 

“But I don’t want to leave you.” Jamie pouts and throws his arms around Steve’s neck, dangerously close to tears. Bucky reaches out to rub the boy's back, the urge to comfort is instinctual. Steve feels awful, knows the four year old is going to struggle to understand all this, but he has to try. 

 

“I don't want to leave you either, but I’ve got something that I need to go take care of. You and Papa are gonna go and you'll be just fine. I’ll only be gone a couple of days and I’ll be thinking about you the whole time.”

 

This answer doesn’t seem to make the boy any happier as he still clings to Steve’s neck. It’s not that Steve can’t understand why the boy is so upset. He’s already had to give up so much and he’s so young. So he holds him tighter, knowing that he’s afraid of being alone. To be fair, Steve doesn’t want to leave either. He’s finding it just as hard to let go. 

 

“I’m sorry.” Steve whispers. “I promise I won’t be long.”

 

As Jamie pulls away, his eyes are wet and lips pursed into pout, but he nods anyway. “You promise?”

 

“I promise. Ask your Papa. I don’t go back on my promises.”

 

Jamie looks aside at Bucky, who nods and promises that Daddy will back before he has time to miss him. Jamie nods, sadly agreeing to the plan. Steve squeezes him tightly, fluttering kisses over his face until the boy can’t help but giggle. 

 

“I love you, Daddy.”

 

“I love you too, Jamie.” Another quick hug, Steve thinks he might be ready to let go. “Can you go with Uncle Sam while I talk to Papa?”

 

Jamie nods unwillingly and lets Sam take him. Steve hates the way his arms suddenly feel empty. “This is a terrible idea.” He tells Bucky, who moves to take Jamie’s place. 

 

“Sounds about right for us.” Bucky chuckles, and places his palms on Steve’s cheeks, forcing him to meet his intense, worried gaze. “Nothing stupid Steven, do you understand? I don't care what  it takes, nothing stupid while you’re in London or I’ll kill you, understand?”

 

“Understood.” Steve leans forward, brushing his lips against Bucky’s. “I love you.”

 

“Love you, too.” Bucky’s face darkens, insecurity haunting his eyes. “Tell our girl I loved her too?”

 

“Of course.” Steve nods, going in for last kiss. “Take care of Jamie, and I’ll be with you in a couple days.”

 

Bucky nods, giving Steve a smile when he pulls away to take Jamie from Sam. “Take care of him for me please, Birdman?”

 

“You know someone has to.” Sam laughs as he hands over Jamie. “You guys be careful.” 

 

Bucky nods, Steve kisses them both one last time, and then lets him go. Jamie doesn’t take his eyes from Steve’s the entire time Bucky is at the ticket counter. Steve tries to smile for him, even goes so far as to make a silly face, which finally brightens Jamie’s smile. Bucky turns as they make it to the tunnel, and he and Jamie both wave. Steve waves back, and then their both gone. 


	4. Saying Goodbye

**Chapter 4**

**Saying Goodbye**

 

London has changed a lot in the last eighty years. There’s no threat of bombs falling from the sky. The buildings stand tall and proud, the streets bustling with people hurrying to and fro. The London of the 21st century is sleek and modern without damaging its thick, historical roots.

 

Steve has been here several times since he came out of the ice. He’s been here for business and S.H.I.E.L.D, work and several times since the Carters moved Peggy back. On those trips, Steve would always take time to explore a little, to find the little pockets that almost feel like a bombed out bar or an hidden headquarters. Like Brooklyn, those places mostly existed in his mind these days.

 

This church however might have been the closest. Its older than he is, with those classical arched ceilings and beautiful stained glass windows that let in the rare, English sun. Steve hasn’t been religious since his mother died, but he could picture himself sitting in this church for hours soaking in the solitude or maybe trying to sketch out the shape of the arches or the pictures in the windows.

 

Today, that's not happening. Today, Steve is trying to find the secluded corners of the building where he can breath and and force himself to calm down, to stop his racing heart, and erase the tears from his ears. Today, in front of the altar, is a glossy oak casket littered with flowers and pictures.

 

Peggy may not have ever gotten married or had kids of her own, but she still ended up with a big family. Steve knew she had a younger brother who survived the war who had a family. She’d had cousins, people she had worked with, and people she had saved. There were plenty who remembered Margaret Carter, and yet Steve still couldn’t escape the looks. No one remembered her like he and Bucky did. No one had to lose her like they had either.

 

Steve honestly thought he would be okay here. The truth is; he’s having trouble not falling apart and the funeral hasn’t even started yet.

 

At least here he can escape the stares for a moment and get himself under control. He sinks into a chair and presses the heels of his palms into his eyes, as if the bright, colorful splotches will make everything else go away. He counts to ten, then to twenty.

 

He’s hurting and he wants Bucky. One guaranteed way to make him feel better was Bucky’s hugs. When he’d been small, Bucky’s arms could completely engulf him. He would tuck his head under Bucky’s chin and Bucky would hold him so tightly, like he wasn’t as fragile as he really was. For those beautiful, perfect moments, Steve was safe and he could feel the way he wanted to feel without having to worry about being strong.

 

These days, Bucky accused him playfully of being an octopus to get the same effect. Steve would wrap himself as tightly around Bucky as he could, clinging like a sloth on a branch. It was even better if they could get the usually active Jamie to join the cuddle pile for a while. That was Steve’s idea of heaven, and it’s the thing he wants in that moment more than anything.

 

It’s also the only thing he can’t have. He can’t even text Bucky in case it gets intercepted. They are completely cut off until Steve gets to Bucharest.

 

Steve misses Bucky, he misses Jamie, and in that moment, he misses Peggy more than he had in a long time. He misses the no nonsense way she had of looking things. He misses the way that she pushed him when he was being stupid. He can almost feel her over his shoulder telling him to toughen up and get through it, while also making sure to kiss his cheek to soften the blow.

 

God, he misses her. He misses her smile, her spark, her laugh, sense of compassion and self worth. He misses the way she could knock either him or Bucky flat on their backs whenever she wanted to.  He misses the the quiet moments between the three of them when they would stumble into whatever bed they could find and hold each other close. No one had ever fit between him and Bucky like she could, and he misses it.

 

Jamie would have loved her, too.

 

For just a moment, Steve gives in to the loss that is making him sick to his stomach. He lets it hurt, and it did, so badly that for a moment he thought it would knock him to his knees. There’s a few tears and they just make him feel more lonely than he already was feeling.

 

Soft pressure on his shoulder startles him. Sam has an understanding look in his eye as he

squeezes gently, offering support without the use of words. That’s how Steve reigns himself back into control. He hasn’t even realized how he’s struggling to breathe evenly until Sam  shocked him out of his thoughts. He rubs his eyes, chasing away wetness and composing himself in the space Sam has given him.

 

He owes Sam so much.

 

“They’re getting ready to start.” Sam tells him softly. “If you’re good?”

 

“Yeah.” Steve clears his throat and forces himself to stand, putting himself back together. “Yeah, I’m good.”

 

Sam doesn’t appear to agree, but he follows along anyway.

 

* * *

 

Steve helps carry the casket into the church. He’s very much not okay.

 

* * *

 

There are so many people who remember Peggy— it's beautiful and Steve is glad that she had a full life. He would have wanted nothing less for her, but sitting in the front of the church hearing everyone else's memories of her is hard and he tunes it out a little bit. There’s a small amount of bitterness that he and Bucky didn’t get to be a part of those memories. For the most part, however, he’s just tired. After his breakdown earlier, everything is numb and fuzzy. He feels like he could curl up into his bed and sleep for days. It would certainly be better than this.

 

Sam nudges his elbow and brings his attention back. The speaker is currently making her way to the podium is like a blast from the past. Blond hair tied back sensibly, a composed look on her face. The last time Steve had seen Sharron he hadn’t been kind, but then he’d still been angry about being spied on. Like somehow that was the worst thing that could have happened. He finds he’s not angry anymore. She was, after all, just doing her job. He would like to know what she’s doing at Peggy’s funeral.

 

“Most everyone knew Margaret Carter as Director Carter, Founder of S.H.I.E.L.D. I just knew her as Aunt Peggy.” Sharon says, her voice carrying through the stone building. Any normal day Steve would have rolled his eyes at the news that Sharon was related to Peggy. He wasn’t even surprised anymore. With the way he felt currently, the best he could get was a sardonic smile. “When I was a kid I hero worshipped my Aunt. In her office, she kept this picture of her and JFK. Cool, right? It was also a lot to live up to, which is why I never told anyone I was related to her. I regret that now, because my Aunt had good things to teach us. She taught me how to throw a man twice my size over my shoulder.”

 

Steve cracks a smile while the audience titters.

 

“She taught me how to shoot a target at a hundred paces. I never did quite manage her flawless sense of fashion, however. The greatest thing she taught me came after I asked her how she managed to master diplomacy and espionage at a time when no one wanted to see a woman succeed at either. And she said, ‘Compromise when you can. When you can’t, don’t. Even if the press, and the government, is telling you that something wrong is something right, even if the whole world is telling you to move it is your duty to plant yourself like a tree, look them in the eye and say, “No, you move.”’

 

Sharron keeps talking, but Steve isn’t listening. He’s a hundred pounds smaller and telling Bucky that he had no right to do any different than any other man. He’s watching Peggy punch Hodge and defying Colonel Phillips to help him rescue Bucky, he’s two days before while Tony and Natasha told him that it was okay to give up their freedoms to earn the public's trust back. For just a moment it's like Peggy is next to him again giving him just what he needed. He knows the Accords as they stand in that second are wrong and he can’t support them, not for anything. Like Bucky told him, he would have been miserable if he had tried.

 

For the first time in days, Steve feels a little spark of peace. If nothing else, Peggy would have been proud of him.

 

* * *

 

As the mourners file out of the stone building and into that blessed English sun, Steve stays behind. He even manages to convince Sam to give him a moment. He still needs to say goodbye for the both of them, and he wants to be alone to do it.

 

The casket is a warm, chestnut brown and covered in red and white flowers. It’s eye catching in the cool grey of the church. Steve’s restless feet pace between the front row of pews and the beginning of the dais. It’s as close as he’s managed to get to her casket so far. Everytime he gets close something inside him recoils and he retreats. Still, he can already feel time ticking away on him and he knows it's running out.

 

A bitter laugh escapes his lips, echoing out across the walls. “I don’t know what to say. You know I haven’t been to a funeral since the one we had for Bucky? You, me, the Howlies, and a bottle of whiskey. He approved by the way. Said that it seemed like a fitting way to see him off. Only we weren’t sending him off, we were leaving him in hell.”

 

Steve drops his head into his hands, guilt and grief in equal measure wrecking through him. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t live without him more than I could live with you. That was a selfish and mean to you, and I’m sorry, but I don’t regret it. He would have been here by himself and god knows what Hydra would have forced him to do. You understood that, or I think you did. You never got mad me if you didn’t.”

 

Like the words are giving him a strange sense of confidence, Steve is able to cross the threshold and up the stairs. He’s now within touching distance of the casket, though he keeps his fingers firmly planted in his pockets. He’s grateful that he’s the only one in the building, since now that he’s started he’s not sure he can stop. “I’m upset that Jamie isn’t going to know you. I know I told you that last time I saw you, but you would have loved him and he would have loved you.”

 

Finally, he reaches out, brushes his fingertips across the smooth wood, almost annoyed when feels just like glossy stain. There’s nothing remarkable about it, no sudden shocks or sparks of connection. The only thing in the room is him and maybe some ghosts of the past. It’s almost disappointing.

 

“I don’t know  what I’m supposed to do here, Peggy.” Steve admits. “I need to keep Bucky and Jamie safe, but it's hard for me to just stand by here too. The Accords are wrong. Or maybe I just can’t trust people anymore, Peggy. I don’t know what’s coming, but I do know one thing, I’m going to fight for them and I’m going to fight for what's right. Thanks for reminding me of that, darling. I love you, Bucky loves you, and we miss you so much. I hope wherever you are, you’re happy and we’ll see you again one day.”

 

Walking away is something Steve doesn’t have a lot of practice of doing, but he does it. He even feels a little better, no longer numb and non-reacting. Also no longer panicking and worried. For the first time in days he feels like he can breathe. He still can’t see the way forward, but he knows the steps.

 

Step one, get back to Bucky.


	5. Two Women

**Chapter Five**

**Two Women**

 

Steve hasn’t fully gathered all his things to leave the church before she finds him. Steve can’t help noticing the plum shade of her coat, wondering if its closeness to the purple Clint liked so much was accidental. Knowing Natasha, it wasn’t. Everything she did was deliberate, even if just for herself. Steve is briefly reminded of the argument Sam thought she and Clint had, and wonders if the coat is anything like the dogtags Steve keeps around his neck. For all he knew, her arrow necklace had a ring hidden on it as well.

 

“How are you?” she asks softly, compassion in her voice. 

 

He shrugs in response. “When I came out of the ice I wanted to ignore that she was gone. When I found out she was alive, I was just lucky to have her.”

 

“She had you, too.”

 

Steve nods. At the end, she had stopped recognizing him at all. It was one of the reasons Bucky had never gone back to see her after that first time. Having her completely gone still felt surreal. 

 

The real problem was, he always had to be careful when talking to Natasha, because Natasha didn’t know about Bucky. There had been a hundred times when he almost had told her, because she was his friend and he trusted her. Bucky, however, had begged him not to tell Natasha, and Steve had never found the argument that would change his mind. However, Natasha could normally read him like a book. Hiding things from her took real effort, effort he wasn’t he knew how to extend at the moment. 

 

“How many will sign it?” he asks, a distraction and genuine curiosity all at once. 

 

“Tony, Rhodey, Vision.” Not a surprising list, really.

 

“Clint?” It almost feels rude to ask, and although she doesn’t react, Steve is leaning toward agreeing with Sam. The two of them must have had a disagreement. 

 

“He’s using deep cover as an excuse.”

 

“Is that going to work?”

 

“For now.” The way she says it means as much for him as it does for Clint. For now. For now, he could run away and hide. For now, he could bury himself in the sand. For now, but then they would come for him, and he would have to take a stand. At least Natasha seems remorseful about that fact. No one else has. 

 

“Wanda?”

 

“TBA.” Steve isn’t sure how to feel about that one. He’d grown attached to the young witch in the last year, if for no other reason than she had been willing to keep his big secrets. But she was also a good kid who had to grow up far too quickly. At the very least, he hoped she had someone in her corner. 

 

“I’m off to Vienna for the signing of the Accords. There’s room on the jet.” He would dare to call her hopeful before he shakes his head. “Just because it's the path of least resistance, doesn’t mean it's the wrong path. Staying together is more important than how we stay together.”

 

Any other day, Steve would given her a whole list of reasons of why that statement was wrong, but he’s tired and he knew he wasn’t going to change her mind. Natasha figured this was the way forward, and Steve didn’t. He hated it, but they were on opposite sides here. “What are we giving up to do it? Sorry, Nat, I can’t sign it.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Well, then, what are you doing here?”

 

“I didn’t want you to be alone.”

 

Steve is one of the few people who would have known what that cost the Black Widow, and brings a whole new wave of  guilt and also relief. He had a bad habit of thinking he was alone in all this, but it was so far from the truth. More than Bucky or Sam, he also still had Natasha. They may have been on opposite sides of this, but there were still friends. She was still gonna be here when he needed her. 

 

Steve really did hope that he would be able to make it up to her one day. 

 

“Come here.” Nat engulfed him in a hug, which Steve returned. Then she let go, and left the building, leaving Steve alone again. He can’t quite shake the feeling that he might have missed something in the encounter. 

 

By the time he makes it outside, she’s already gone. He’s not surprised. She only has a few hours until she needs to be in Vienna. Steve feels listless. His flight to Paris, where he’ll then get a car to drive to Bucharest, doesn’t leave until tomorrow. He doesn’t want to just sit around his hotel room, but going out to see the city and how much it's changed sounds equally as awful. Sam is nowhere in sight, but there is someone else, someone who probably deserves a little bit of an explanation as well.

 

Sharron accepts his offer to walk her back to her hotel. She has that same look that everyone gets when he does something old fashioned. It's a mix of adorable and pitying. It’s something Steve learned to ignore a while ago. Although, awkward at first, they soon enough settle into the same rhythm they had when they lived next door to each other, and he hadn’t known she was spying on him. She tells him that after S.H.E.I.L.D. fell, she ended up joining the CIA. It didn’t sound that much better, but Steve keeps his opinions to himself. 

 

When she asks what he’s gotten up to, he keeps it vague. It’s not like he can tell her that he’s gotten married and become a father. It’s mostly Avengers this and Avengers that. He tries to keep himself from sounding bitter, or at least, he thinks he does. 

 

They don’t talk about the accords, which is a relief. 

 

They also don’t talk about Peggy until they’ve reached the lobby of her hotel. “My mom tried to talk me out of enlisting,” Sharon explains as they walk through the doors of a very nice hotel. The CIA must have been paying Sharon fairly well, at least. “But not Aunt Peggy. She bought me my first thigh holster.”

 

That brings a quick, amused smile to his face. “Very practical.”

 

“And stylish.” 

 

“The CIA has you stationed here now?” he asks.

 

“In Berlin The Joint Terrorism Task Force.”

 

“Right. Sounds like fun.” It sound like hell, but maybe she enjoys it. “I’ve been meaning to ask you, when you were spying on me from across the hall…”

 

“You mean when I was doing my  job.” She smirks.

 

“Did Peggy know?”

 

Sharon sobers and shakes her head. “She kept so many secrets. I didn’t want her to keep any from you.”

 

It’s a relief. There were already enough lies going around. 

 

“Thanks for walking me back.”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Steve.”

 

He spins on his heel,finding Sam, the lines of his faces deep and etched with worry. A pit opens up in Steve’s stomach, dread at whatever has caused that face. 

 

“There’s something you need to see.”


End file.
